I look at where I am standing today, and without a doubt I know that it is all Jesus. When I can be joyful in the midst of sorrow, when I can truly dance with my girls, live and laugh a little even when our hearts are sore, that’s all because of Jesus. In our house we didn’t need a crowd or even alcohol as many do, we just needed the four of us, our lounge and some good music and we could dance the night away and many a times we did. Now we do the same except it is the three of us, but it still brings us so much joy and so many fond memories that we shall continue with our little traditions.
For those of you reading this and have not been following my story, my husband was murdered a year ago, and myself and my two girls (2 and 5 years old at the time) were left with our world shattered and turned upside down.
When life seems so mundane and you don’t know where you’re going, but you keep going because you know that God still has plans for you, that is steadfast faith; a faith that I aspire to have. When you have hope in your heart for a promising future, despite it turning upside down; that has only been possible by staying connected to Jesus and fixing my eyes on Him. It has required holding onto His promises daily even when I couldn’t see it and proclaiming a brighter future for my girls and I, and a future that I can provide for them.
I have not worked for 11 months but somehow we have been just fine. I have no idea how when I look at my budget versus my income but God is faithful. He has sent so many wonderful and extraordinary people into my life that have blessed us so greatly over the past year that I am beyond grateful. After 11 months I got a phone call out of the blue and I am back at work, teaching. God is really faithful and true! He is the constant in my life when everything else is changing.
I am writing this purely because I hope that if you are facing something challenging in your life, whether it is a loss or dreams, hopes and desires that are not being fulfilled, I hope that through my journey, testimonies and lessons I have learnt this past year, that you will feel encouraged to keep trusting our God, who is faithful and GOOD. I hope that you will remember that you can still live life, enjoy the little things, smile, be kind, be gracious and humble, be joyful even in the pain and the heartache.
When life is good it is one thing, but the way you react when things go wrong, or terrible, shows character. We only have one chance on this Earth. Life is short and when we get to Heaven one day there won’t be any pain or sorrow. It is in this life that we get to show God what He means to us, and we get to bring Him honour and glory in and through our testimonies.
I really don’t have it altogether and I don’t have all the answers but the last year I have learnt a few things. Life is uncertain and unpredictable, live life fully every day. There is no one that can comfort you and bring you peace like our Lord Jesus. With my husband’s death it has not only impacted our lives, but friends, business people and even people who never even met him. I have realized that I have a different perspective than a lot of people. Some people may look at me and judge that I seem to be moving on and I am quite okay. Yes, that is true, but it has also been an incredibly emotional ride, and to be honest I know the ride is not over and will always be something that we carry as a family wherever we go and no matter how our future changes, this will be a part of the girls and I.
Mackayla who is now only three years old, is asking more and more questions about her daddy, and all the why’s to every question. Although the reasoning she can’t quite understand. I don’t have the answers to all their questions, but I choose to point them to Jesus. I choose to teach them that even when we don’t understand, we can look to God to give us peace that surpasses all understanding. In this life we won’t know all the answers, but one day I am sure we will.
Getting back to my point that I have a different perspective, and a steadfast faith; life is still beautiful perspective. I see those who have fallen, those who maybe don’t know Jesus and how something like this has left them bitter, angry and hurt. My heart aches for those because I am sure that if we had to get a little glimpse into Heaven and see Darryl; he would be perfectly healed, praising Jesus with His arms stretched wide as he often did in our lounge, and in perfect peace. If he is, so can we be.
Don’t be hard on yourself when it comes to grief or disappointment. It is very real and each one of us deals with it in different ways. Don’t judge and most importantly, don’t be hard on yourself. I think this has been one of my hardest lessons to learn. Give yourself time and space to work through your emotions and if something presents itself, even at the most inappropriate moments, let it be and embrace it. Often I found myself breaking down just before I had to pick up my daughter from school or in the middle of a shopping aisle; if you can, let it happen.
Don’t put labels on yourself that you don’t deserve such as I am only a widow, or I will never be a mom, or I am not good enough to have children or to get married etc. You don’t and should not be speaking those over your life. It is something I struggled with for a good part of this journey as I thought when people looked at me they saw a widow, and I started to see myself as only that. I have slowly been tackling this label and speaking truth into my life that I am widow, but it is not who I am and it does not define my future either. I am a daughter of the Most High, I am a mother, I was a wife and still could be a wife someday, and I am a teacher, a daughter, a blogger, a friend and many more.
Most importantly be grateful for family and friends, for each day that you get to breath and love. LOVE God with all your heart, love those around you, keep your heart open, don’t harden your heart, and be open and vulnerable to new possibilities. You are stronger and more resilient than you think.
Much love, Jess
