One night while lying in bed I wrestled with God about my future and the plans and dreams I had. I thought I had it all figured out, but in an instant, everything changed. I am not sure if any of you feel this way or have felt like this before, but we make plans and we dream our fairytales, like marrying the perfect husband, having kids, having a dream job or growing old with your spouse, but what happens when those dreams don’t come to pass and are shattered or taken away from you? Do you give up and stop dreaming or do you keep pressing forward and keep dreaming, keep believing and keep going?
One of my dreams has always been to be married, have kids and be a stay at home mommy. Just before I turned 30 last year I had it all and I still remember saying how excited I was for my thirties just to live life, living my dream. 6 months after I turned 30 my life was changed.
Four month ago on Saturday, 26 June 2021, my husband went hunting during the day and later that evening to a braai. He came home that afternoon to fetch some things for the braai and came to kiss the girls goodnight. We didn’t know that that would be the last time we got to see him, hug him and kiss him goodnight.
Just after 9pm that night our neighbor came over to tell me that my husband was gone. I remember the words so clearly, lovie Darryl’s gone. I remember going into a state of shock, and thinking what is he talking about and what does he mean gone. He was murdered on his way home that night. Our world was turned upside down. The hardest thing I have ever had to hear and the hardest thing I have ever had to do is to tell my girls, who are 2 years old and 6 years old that they don’t have their daddy anymore.
Every day is hard, some days much harder than others. It’s a long journey ahead for us and as time passes I find I miss him more and more. We don’t have to be afraid to cry and be a mess! Allow yourself to have the hard days and don’t push them aside. Allow yourself to feel. Being strong doesn’t mean you act as if everything is fine even when inside you feel like you are crumbling. Be real and allow yourself to be vulnerable, especially with your family and friends. They are there to support you. I think there is something so authentic and admirable about a woman who can cry in front of you when it’s not going well, whilst still knowing that things will be ok, even if it doesn’t seem like it now. I think there is a difference between allowing yourself to have those bad days and then picking yourself up again, vs staying in that place of self-pity, sadness or anger. I have needed to intentionally remind myself of my value and the fact that I still have a purpose, that is what has kept me going on those dark days. Staying in those places for too long is not healthy.
These feelings that I have just mentioned are genuine feelings that many of us experience at least a couple of times in our lives, if not on a daily basis for some of us. It could be for many reasons that you are feeling these emotions and for some of you, it’s been a journey. These feeling are not all bad and I know personally for the grieving process in particular these feelings are normal and for some of us we can easily justify our feelings. I think I have the right to be angry to the person who murdered my husband. He took something precious and irreplaceable away from us. However, I also have the right to make a choice. Do I be angry? Do I stay angry? For me, I choose not to be angry. I choose to forgive because I know that at the end of the day it is my heart and my mind that I am fighting for and trying to protect. I don’t want to let anger take control of me and make me become cold, bitter or resentful. I want to be able to live in freedom, to live with hope and joy. I want my girls to be able to see a mommy that loves and loves them well. I cannot do that if I have unforgiveness in my heart. You also have a choice. Do you move forward in your life after something terrible has happened holding on to all the pain or all the hurt or anger, or do you move forward by choosing hope and joy and peace? You have the power to make the choice.
A few things that have kept me going over the last four months are prayers. We are living on prayers. I am so grateful for every prayer as I have felt a comfort and peace like no other, and that can only be from God. I have made it my mission over the last little while to get involved and to keep myself in community with friends and family. Both my own family and my church and community family. It is so easy for me to isolate myself but I also know that for me to continue to heal I need to be surrounded by God and others. It is easy to give up but if I can keep going, I hope that it can encourage you to keep going in whatever struggle you are facing.
Keep moving forward and pressing on. Keep strong by being intentional with your time and your focus. What you do with your time and what you fill your heart and mind with is so valuable. It has the power to lift you up but it also has the power to push you down. So choose wisely and invest in yourself by choosing to surround yourself with positive and like-minded people that are supportive and activities that bring you hope and joy.
One of my biggest challenges is rediscovering who I am and what my purpose is in life. I met my husband when I was 15 years old, so my whole life has been living out our purpose together. Now that he is gone, it feels as if half of me is gone and I have to figure out who I am without him. I am no longer a wife or able to homeschool my kids. I can’t tell you that I know where I am going in life at the moment but I do know that I am a child of God. I know that I am not forsaken and that God has a perfect plan and future for the girls and I. I want to encourage you today, so you too will feel excited to dream again, and that you would keep believing and keep living life to the fullest. No matter what struggle you are facing, have hope because Jesus will make your story beautiful and is busy making your story beautiful!! What the devil meant for evil, God will turn it for good!
I choose to keep pressing forward despite my circumstance because I know that even when things don’t make sense or don’t go according to plan, I can put my trust in our God, for He has a plan. His plan is always GOOD.
Some of you may be thinking to yourself how God’s plan can always be good, when a loved one is taken away from us, or when we lose a child, or that dream job or business we have put so much into crumbles? Honestly, I can only say that we live in a broken world where there is hurt and pain and terrible things happen to good people. It is unfair and it hurts, but we can rest in knowing that our God sees us, He sees the pain and the hurt and He will turn your struggle into triumph, he will turn your mourning into dancing and He turns ALL things for GOOD!!
We really don’t have to have everything together all the time. Whatever struggle you are facing today, whether it is finances, work circumstances, marriage issues, loss of any kind or simply trying to navigate life at the moment with all the negativity that is happening around us. I want you to know that you are not alone. You are seen and you are loved. You are worth so much more than the struggle you are facing. Whatever your struggle is, it does not define you. It may be a part of you and your journey but it is not who you are. Our creator defines us and in knowing who we are in Jesus, we are able to keep moving forward in this journey called life. Whatever you are facing, nothing is too big or too scary for our God. He is our comforter and our healer. He is ever present. He sees you and He loves each and every one of you so dearly.
Are we called just to live life and press on and keep going? Does this mean we just go through the motion of it all? I think some days we do just to get by so we don’t really have to face our issues or our struggles, because who really does enjoy tackling issues and struggles head on. I know I don’t, but I know that this life we have been given is precious and our time is limited here on Earth, so yes we need to keep going but we need to keep going on fully with hope, to embrace life, to live it to the fullest and to be present and make every moment count.
At the end of the day we are still here on Earth; we don’t know how much time we have, but while we are here we have a purpose. That purpose is to keep going with hope, to keep living life to the fullest and make the most of every day and every opportunity. Let’s make a difference. Let’s make a difference in our marriages so that they can blossom and bloom, let’s make a difference is our children’s lives and be fully present, let’s make a difference in our work atmosphere and let’s keep going. Let’s keep making the most of every moment we have and let’s keep supporting, uplifting and encouraging one another! Let’s have hope and let’s make a generation who will stand firm in their faith no matter how much they are shaken!
